my lost heart.

i thought i had lost my heart...
i searched earnestly for it...
i searched desperately...
but i couldn't seem to find it...
and i was falling apart...
until finally i turned around...
and realized my heart was right where i had left it...
right where You promised me it'd always be...
i turned around...
to see You right behind me...
cradling my broken heart...
protecting it...
and holding it close to Yourself...
loving it...
and healing it...
You had always been there...
and You had never let me go...
i thought i had lost my heart...
but really...
i had left it...
i had left it with You...
it wasn't my heart that was lost...
it was me.

Excerpt From "Purpose for the Pain"

"Sometimes I wish we could all just let go
and rise like, this smoke
above all the greys that cloud this world
away with the wind, toss and twirl
away with the wind to another world
we'd leave this all behind and breath again
we'd leave this all behind and then
the dirt would crumble, fall from the frame
and leave a picture so pure and beautiful
beholding this utopia we'd be changed
no, we'd never be the same..."

-Purpose for the Pain
by: Renee Yohe

The Familiar vs. The Uncomfortable

Today in church we talked a little bit about the Israelites coming out of Egypt, and how when faced with a trial, right away they wanted to go back to the life that just a little bit ago they wanted so badly to be out of.

That. sounds. crazy.

I mean wouldn't anything be better than being in captivity your whole life? One obstacle and you want to go back... really?

but after REALLY think about it...
I can't blame them.
Because I so often do the same thing. This might not be something that everyone sees,
or that's announced, or something that's recorded in the Bible for goodness sake...
but the same issue is still there.

I still constantly fall back to the familiar, even if I very well know it's not what's best for me, which I usually do. I look forward and I'm scared. I can't see past the fog of today to see what comes next...
it's completely unknown.
an absolute mystery.
and I am blind.

So when I finally step forward, out of the familiar darkness I've hid in for so long... the world looks different. This isn't what I've known. I'm being pushed out of my safety bubble.

This is uncomfortable.
and I don't like it.

I need familiarity in this change, but when I find that everything is different,
and that even though I know this is better...
even though I know this is right...

I see the mountains ahead of me that have become clearer in the light, and just like the Israelites...
I want to go back.
I want to hide.
find my oh so familiar corner,
sit there,
and hold onto my darkness,
where there is nothing good.

but I've learned, when that's what I so badly want...

I have to choose to stay.

I have to keep my feet firm on my Foundation, when they beg me to run back.

I have to keep my eyes focused on Him, when they yearn to look once again into the dark abyss of sin.

I have to trust the One who knows better, when I yearn for control.

I have to keep pushing forward when all I want to do is hide.

I know,
and am constantly learning
that sometimes...
it's okay to be uncomfortable.