here i am. send me.

I've recently, within myself, been met with this challenge...

I've been reading through the book of Isaiah, and came to "Isaiah's Cleansing and Call," as the subtitles say. The Lord says at one point,
          "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?"
Isaiah replies,
          "Here I am. Send me."

Here I am. Send me.

What if that was always our response to God's calling?
What if THAT was our life motto, what we lived by?

Two sentences. Five words.
Simple. Right?

Yet it's SO much more. This. is. a. heart. issue.

Surprise, surprise.

It's a submission to our God. A willingness to let Him do with our lives what He wants, NOT what we want. A desire to work towards the fulfillment of His will. It puts us in a humble state to be used as His tool. This means that we sacrifice our plans for the sake of His.

If you didn't already get it,
           This is alllll about Him.

I want to live with that type of submission always ready on my lips.
Always in my heart.
I want my life to be constantly saying, "Here I am. Send me."

And I want to trust that if my heart sincerely says that, and my life sincerely shows that, that wherever this journey takes me, my God will be right there with me every step of the way, and I can rest in that assurance.

So when I get apprehensive about the future...
"Here I am. Send me."

When I'm scared to confront that person that has been placed in my path...
"Here I am. Send me."

When I don't feel brave enough to pray with that person that has been laid heavy on my heart...
"Here I am. Send me."

When what I want and what God wants seems very different...
"Here I am. Send me."

And if done right, this response should rightfully be followed by action.

I want my life to constantly echo the words of Isaiah, and hope, maybe you'll take the challenge with me. To become more and more submissive and trusting of our Heavenly Father.

I think that learning to echo Isaiah's response might be a good place to start.

"Here I am. Send me."

write.

When I write I release something within me.
When I write I free something inside.
                             I get drawn in by the words.
                             Wrapped up in the flow.
                             It's enchanting.
                             I can't seem to stop.
When I write I give a piece of myself to that paper
                                                  or that napkin
                                   or that bulletin
When I write I become honest in every sense of the word.
           I can all of a sudden express myself.
           Somehow I find words for my feelings.
           I give that paper
                           a memory
                                 or a feeling
                                        or a glimpse of my heart.
When I write I lose myself.
When I write I find myself.
                     Time escapes me.
                     My attention is focused.
                     Mind caressed by a steady stream of words and phrases.
                     Heart seduced by the beautiful rhythmic flow I somehow create.
When I write I communicate.
    Though oftentimes no one's on the other end.
    It's how I do it best.
    I can tell you what I think.
    I can point out right from wrong
                                     and left from right.
    Things come together like puzzle pieces finding their mate.
    It makes sense.
When I write everything else fades away.
When I write nothing else matters.
                                         It's just the paper and I
                                         And sometimes I think it's listening.
                                         Taking in my every cry.
                                         Taking in every detail of my thoughts.
         Maybe it cries with me.
                Maybe it bleeds with me.
                     Maybe it relives every memory with me.
                            Maybe it longs to comfort me.
                                         But the paper just listens.
                                         It always listens.
                                         Even when no one else will.
When I write I have a voice.
When I write I am heard.
     No one stops me
                     or corrects me
                                 or tries to fix me
                                            or tells me what's wrong
                               or what I need to do
There are no interruptions.
   It's a pure release.
When I write I can sing.
When I write I can dance.
When I write I can paint.
           My words paint a picture.
           My font dances on the paper.
           I play with it.
           Change it.
When I write I can own it.
                                 This is mine.
                                 These words are my own.
                                          This is my story.
                                 No one can take this from me.
When I write I can see.
When I write I am free.

my lost heart.

i thought i had lost my heart...
i searched earnestly for it...
i searched desperately...
but i couldn't seem to find it...
and i was falling apart...
until finally i turned around...
and realized my heart was right where i had left it...
right where You promised me it'd always be...
i turned around...
to see You right behind me...
cradling my broken heart...
protecting it...
and holding it close to Yourself...
loving it...
and healing it...
You had always been there...
and You had never let me go...
i thought i had lost my heart...
but really...
i had left it...
i had left it with You...
it wasn't my heart that was lost...
it was me.

Excerpt From "Purpose for the Pain"

"Sometimes I wish we could all just let go
and rise like, this smoke
above all the greys that cloud this world
away with the wind, toss and twirl
away with the wind to another world
we'd leave this all behind and breath again
we'd leave this all behind and then
the dirt would crumble, fall from the frame
and leave a picture so pure and beautiful
beholding this utopia we'd be changed
no, we'd never be the same..."

-Purpose for the Pain
by: Renee Yohe

The Familiar vs. The Uncomfortable

Today in church we talked a little bit about the Israelites coming out of Egypt, and how when faced with a trial, right away they wanted to go back to the life that just a little bit ago they wanted so badly to be out of.

That. sounds. crazy.

I mean wouldn't anything be better than being in captivity your whole life? One obstacle and you want to go back... really?

but after REALLY think about it...
I can't blame them.
Because I so often do the same thing. This might not be something that everyone sees,
or that's announced, or something that's recorded in the Bible for goodness sake...
but the same issue is still there.

I still constantly fall back to the familiar, even if I very well know it's not what's best for me, which I usually do. I look forward and I'm scared. I can't see past the fog of today to see what comes next...
it's completely unknown.
an absolute mystery.
and I am blind.

So when I finally step forward, out of the familiar darkness I've hid in for so long... the world looks different. This isn't what I've known. I'm being pushed out of my safety bubble.

This is uncomfortable.
and I don't like it.

I need familiarity in this change, but when I find that everything is different,
and that even though I know this is better...
even though I know this is right...

I see the mountains ahead of me that have become clearer in the light, and just like the Israelites...
I want to go back.
I want to hide.
find my oh so familiar corner,
sit there,
and hold onto my darkness,
where there is nothing good.

but I've learned, when that's what I so badly want...

I have to choose to stay.

I have to keep my feet firm on my Foundation, when they beg me to run back.

I have to keep my eyes focused on Him, when they yearn to look once again into the dark abyss of sin.

I have to trust the One who knows better, when I yearn for control.

I have to keep pushing forward when all I want to do is hide.

I know,
and am constantly learning
that sometimes...
it's okay to be uncomfortable.