Depression vs. Truth

If there was any question about it, I'll say it now...

I. am. depressed.

I have been since awkward pre-teen years, and it only escalated as I came into my high school years. I've been "tested." I've been diagnosed.

It is just a fact.

At this point in my life I have fought hard for years, after too many years of just letting it have me, to learn how to get my depression under control.

But let me just tell you, some days with depression are hard. Really hard.

And some days?
Some days just suck.

Some days I want to hide in a corner and wrap the familiar blanket of depression tight around my shoulders, and not. do. anything... at all. Just sit there and escape the world into my dark abyss of depression and fuel it with thoughts that seem to keep circling my head. Telling me I'm worthless and unlovable, telling me I'm a failure and can't accomplish anything... Telling me it's not worth pushing forward anymore. It's too hard. Telling me to give up.

Thoughts that shout lies at me. Lies that tear my worth apart.

Some days it feels impossible to get my perspective in the right place.
And it's all about perspective, isn't it?

One of the only things that gets me through these kind of days is Truth. Truth that I can hold onto. Truth that's constant. Truth that gives me hope.

Truth that whispers into my ear, as the lies shout in my head.

Sometimes it's hard to hear, isn't it? Sometimes I wish that the Truth that I know, would speak up above the lies, but I think that's the beauty of it. You have to search for it. You have to want it. And once you hear the gentle whisper of Truth, you'll know. There's no mistaking it. It's soothing and soft. It's healing.

It's that voice that tells you that...

You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are worth fighting for. That there's another side and a beautiful light piercing through the darkness.

It's the voice that quietly whispers into your ear...

I am here. I am true. I know you're struggle. I am fighting for you. I love you. I will not leave. I don't care what you've done. I don't care where you've been. Come. Rest. Find peace. Trust me.

My depression has taught me the importance of listening to that Truth. I have been broken and pathetic. I have been humbled. And my God is the only one who has gotten me through. I know my need, although often forget it. Sometimes I think that my depression is really a blessing in disguise, for it has kept me dependent on the One who sets my perspective straight. The One who loves me. The One who picks me up, brushes me off, and whispers, "We're going to get through this."

So hold onto Him, and stand up by His strength. Don't give up. Don't let the darkness have you. Let Him close enough to whisper His truth into your ear. Push forward. Keep going. Search for the beauty around you. Make goals. Work towards them. Set your focus on Him, and learn to see as He does. Don't settle for comfortable. Don't stop pushing passed your limits.

I need to hear it as much as you.

The Truth is bigger. The Truth is stronger. If you hold onto Truth, He will claim the victory.

Lovania

Just wanted to share the beauty of this little girl who has so much of my heart...

 

 

 

Beautiful Quote ♥

"What I find amazing in my walk with Jesus is that when He does His work in us, it undoes the damage that came before. It redeems it all and makes it part of our redemptive story so that even our worst wounds and disappointments become things we look back on with a measure of fondness because we see that they played their part in the making of who we are today and our deliverance is sweeter because of them."

- Jason Gray

Only Through Him

I've had several people, who know a little bit about my story the last couple years, and where I've come from in my journey, say stuff like, "Now you know how strong you are." "Now you know that you can do it." And it got me thinking... From an outside perspective this might seem to make sense. But it never sat well with me. It's true, I've overcome a lot... Yet still, I think that just the opposite is true.

Through my struggles I realized just how weak I was (or probably more like am).
Just how desperate.

More than anything, throughout these years, I've learned that I. can't. do. it. I just get myself into trouble. If it were all dependent on my strength I would just keep myself stuck, and surely self-destruct eventually.

I realized, in and of myself, I am not good. I am not strong. I don't know where to go. I can't make healthy decision. My perspective's skewed. And I am broken.

I have come to know all my flaws intimately. And they. are. ugly.

This journey has taught me that clearly.

But I think that the beauty in all of this is that those ugly, messy truths don't bring me down anymore... If anything, recognizing brings me to a better place. Recognizing this is the reason I made it through.

My realization of just how weak I am, brought me to a greater realization of just how strong He is.

When I recognize that there's no way I could ever make it, is when I start to move forward with His strength.

The ugliness of my mistakes show me the pure beauty of His forgiveness.

When I come to realize that in and of myself I have nothing, is when I desperately cling to my God, and I find this whole new appreciation of who He is and what's He's done for me.

It leads me to live a life dependent on and forever grateful for the only one who could ever save me.

The beauty is He never left me to do it alone. When I finally take His hand and let Him guide me, when I finally seek His strength, when I finally realize just how much I need a Savior, when I realize that within myself I can't do it, it is only then, that I can.

I can boast in my mistakes, I can boast in the beautiful, messy story that is being written, not because of who I am, and what I've done, but because of who He is, and what He's done, for it is only through Him that I am here and moving forward.

It wasn't ever my strength that I recognized, but His. And THAT makes all the difference.

here i am. send me.

I've recently, within myself, been met with this challenge...

I've been reading through the book of Isaiah, and came to "Isaiah's Cleansing and Call," as the subtitles say. The Lord says at one point,
          "Whom should I send as a messenger to this people? Who will go for us?"
Isaiah replies,
          "Here I am. Send me."

Here I am. Send me.

What if that was always our response to God's calling?
What if THAT was our life motto, what we lived by?

Two sentences. Five words.
Simple. Right?

Yet it's SO much more. This. is. a. heart. issue.

Surprise, surprise.

It's a submission to our God. A willingness to let Him do with our lives what He wants, NOT what we want. A desire to work towards the fulfillment of His will. It puts us in a humble state to be used as His tool. This means that we sacrifice our plans for the sake of His.

If you didn't already get it,
           This is alllll about Him.

I want to live with that type of submission always ready on my lips.
Always in my heart.
I want my life to be constantly saying, "Here I am. Send me."

And I want to trust that if my heart sincerely says that, and my life sincerely shows that, that wherever this journey takes me, my God will be right there with me every step of the way, and I can rest in that assurance.

So when I get apprehensive about the future...
"Here I am. Send me."

When I'm scared to confront that person that has been placed in my path...
"Here I am. Send me."

When I don't feel brave enough to pray with that person that has been laid heavy on my heart...
"Here I am. Send me."

When what I want and what God wants seems very different...
"Here I am. Send me."

And if done right, this response should rightfully be followed by action.

I want my life to constantly echo the words of Isaiah, and hope, maybe you'll take the challenge with me. To become more and more submissive and trusting of our Heavenly Father.

I think that learning to echo Isaiah's response might be a good place to start.

"Here I am. Send me."

write.

When I write I release something within me.
When I write I free something inside.
                             I get drawn in by the words.
                             Wrapped up in the flow.
                             It's enchanting.
                             I can't seem to stop.
When I write I give a piece of myself to that paper
                                                  or that napkin
                                   or that bulletin
When I write I become honest in every sense of the word.
           I can all of a sudden express myself.
           Somehow I find words for my feelings.
           I give that paper
                           a memory
                                 or a feeling
                                        or a glimpse of my heart.
When I write I lose myself.
When I write I find myself.
                     Time escapes me.
                     My attention is focused.
                     Mind caressed by a steady stream of words and phrases.
                     Heart seduced by the beautiful rhythmic flow I somehow create.
When I write I communicate.
    Though oftentimes no one's on the other end.
    It's how I do it best.
    I can tell you what I think.
    I can point out right from wrong
                                     and left from right.
    Things come together like puzzle pieces finding their mate.
    It makes sense.
When I write everything else fades away.
When I write nothing else matters.
                                         It's just the paper and I
                                         And sometimes I think it's listening.
                                         Taking in my every cry.
                                         Taking in every detail of my thoughts.
         Maybe it cries with me.
                Maybe it bleeds with me.
                     Maybe it relives every memory with me.
                            Maybe it longs to comfort me.
                                         But the paper just listens.
                                         It always listens.
                                         Even when no one else will.
When I write I have a voice.
When I write I am heard.
     No one stops me
                     or corrects me
                                 or tries to fix me
                                            or tells me what's wrong
                               or what I need to do
There are no interruptions.
   It's a pure release.
When I write I can sing.
When I write I can dance.
When I write I can paint.
           My words paint a picture.
           My font dances on the paper.
           I play with it.
           Change it.
When I write I can own it.
                                 This is mine.
                                 These words are my own.
                                          This is my story.
                                 No one can take this from me.
When I write I can see.
When I write I am free.

my lost heart.

i thought i had lost my heart...
i searched earnestly for it...
i searched desperately...
but i couldn't seem to find it...
and i was falling apart...
until finally i turned around...
and realized my heart was right where i had left it...
right where You promised me it'd always be...
i turned around...
to see You right behind me...
cradling my broken heart...
protecting it...
and holding it close to Yourself...
loving it...
and healing it...
You had always been there...
and You had never let me go...
i thought i had lost my heart...
but really...
i had left it...
i had left it with You...
it wasn't my heart that was lost...
it was me.